Troll [1986]

It took me less than 15 minutes to absolutely hate everything about this movie except Julia Louis-Dreyfus, the fact that my life-long dream of seeing Sonny Bono turn into a pickle finally came true and the father and son are named Harry Potter (making this officially the worst of the Harry Potter films).

A troll takes over the body of a girl – then tries to take over an apartment building – then the world!!! But not if Harry Potter can’t cast his own spell and stop him!

Of course I watched this film so I wouldn’t be left in the dark when I watched what’s supposed to be the amazing Troll 2 – well my time would’ve better spent being blindfolded and kicked repeatedly in the shin. Plus, now there’s all this undue expectation placed on Troll 2 to make up for the hurt this film caused me.

Were they trying to make a kids film or a horror film? It’s PG-13 – pick a side of the road why don’t you? There was singing slimey puppets at one point – and a “good witch” who lived up stairs with her magic mushroom... Seriously, a magic mushroom?

Did the director say “as long as we can get the troll outfit looking great people will show up in droves to see this film!!”? That’s the problem with this film – it would be camp but it’s obvious that someone spent a shit load of money on that costume and it turned out really nice – and well... “Sorry, boss we ran out of money – we’ll have to wing it from here.” – “Fuck! I didn’t even hire a screenwriter yet!”

I was hoping everyone got eaten – but I must have been hungry and read the back of the box wrong – because it did not in fact say anything about anybody being eaten.

They are seriously going to remake this with Ali Lohan? Seriously? Was there a sale on vodka and they couldn't get Lindsay? Seriously? And you are going to keep the very same director and the Harry Potter names? Seriously? ... ... ... What is wrong with you people?

Well, other than the 3 things I did like – this was an piece of shit film – they should’ve had more Snape and less Professor Flitwick – and more spells and sorcery – isn’t that what Harry Potter is all about? Fuck... this film has got me bummed out – I can’t even find a good way of inserting a good Harry Potter joke.

I guess I should lighten up and enjoy Troll for what camp & cheese it does have - but I can't - everything about this film grates at me - and I truly hate this film - especially the style of acting - that 80's sitcom acting in movies pisses me off. Don't get me started about the kid actors! Crap on a shingle - they were obnoxious! This is the kind of film that Paris Hilton could "act" in and come away looking like she's got chops!

The plot is so repetitive that it makes feel like you're trapped in your own little zoetrope from hell! Kids act annoying - parents shrug their shoulders - troll emerges and takes over someone's apartment - big brother looks at little sister suspiciously - kids act annoying - parents shrug their shoulders - troll emerges and takes over someone's apartment - big brother looks at little sister suspiciously - repeat a couple more times - throw in a dash of "good witch" and you've seen it. Now, I plead with you - save your time - take a nap!

Even after all that - this dismal piece of the cinematic sewage gets 1 out of 5 – and though I would like to make it my first 0 out of 5 (a score I don't believe in) – I would prefer to hand that distinction out to a film that doesn’t grant me the wish of seeing Sonny Bono turned into a pickle.

[directed by John Carl Buechler]

Happy 100 entries - yay!