I Sell the Dead [2008]

Repeat after me my fitness friends – “concepts are not movies”.


This film is about...


Okay maybe it’s not that obvious – young Arthur Blake is apprenticing to become a grave robber with Willy. They soon discover – over the MANY years they spent doing this - that selling corpses to doctors (looking to advance the cause of medicine) isn’t providing them with enough money to purchase all the ale they want – so they decide to start selling the undead.


My problems with this film start in the very beginning. Ron Perlman – who may be a fine actor in some people’s eyes – can’t pick an accent. He starts muttering everything from English, to Scottish, to Australian, to Irish accents – when he should’ve just stuck with an American accent – because it certainly would NOT have detracted from the quality of this film.


Then my other general beefs with this film start flowing like water. Ron’s priest character whose taking down Arthur’s last words – writes so slowly and unbelievably – they should’ve stopped showing him scrawl because it made no sense and became a distraction. Then the clever dialogue exchanges between any number or characters made me think of Quinten Tarantino – and how he waxes on about nothing out loud in his scripts. The only problem is – Tarantino eventually gets to a point – where in this script – they talked because it sounded cool.


Here’s an actual bit of dialogue that almost made me shut off the film.


“You want to dig narrow. You don’t want to dig too wide neither.”


Clever way of saying the exact same thing – and filling a script with what must be clever dialogue.



The movie will pause time to time and turn into a comic book illustration – I’m not sure as to why – but I really wish it didn’t. They are adding fake style to go along with their “clever” dialogue.


Riddle me this Batman - why would anyone stay in this business of grave robbing if it doesn't pay? Why not just become cobblers, bartenders, stable boys, soldiers, beggars - whatever? How they are graver robbing and never getting dirty? Who's paying for the undead after the doctor they are working for is killed by the first one they discover? Who buried the alien? Why can't you stick with a plot for the entire film? Why did I get the feeling Buffy, Angel and Doctor Who all passed on this weak ass script? Why did this feel like one of those old 70's failed TV shows that get edited together with a couple of extra scenes added to make it into a movie????


They wanted to make a Sam Raimi film inspired by Quinten Tarantino – but the problem is they didn’t get past the clever concept of it all. “What if grave robbers stole the undead?” – well you might get a muddled up piece of garbage like this – or you might want to decide what the characters are all about – what their motivations are – then come up with a simple plot – THEN threw your nifty little concept onto that – then it might work.


I’m giving this one a 2 out of 5 – because I didn’t watch the final half-hour (that’s a pity point) – because I was playing The Sims 3: World Adventures.


[directed by Glenn McQuaid]