Possession [2008]

One day I walk up to you and say “Hi, I’m your Dad.” And then go on to tell you a few things only you and your Dad know – hang around you for a while doing things that your Dad does – and eventually you come to believe me that I’m your Dad. That’s the situation Jess finds herself in – in the movie Possession – when her evil brother in-law gets into a car accident with her perfect husband – and her evil brother in-law comes out of the coma first.

You eventually start to realize how stupid it is to believe that I’m your father – until you Google ‘possession’ – and find something saying that it’s completely possible. Then you wake up one day and your buried treasure is missing – and you come to find out that me - "your Dad" stole it – and left you with nothing. You file a police report claiming that you believed that some stranger was your father – and the police tell you how stupid you are and you get what you deserve.

Now, identity theft is a very real thing in this modern world of ours and it’s mostly electronic identity theft of accounts and credit cards. Only the most clever of con men would attempt the con that I put on you – and of course it only works because of how stupid you are.

I seriously could not stop telling Jess how stupid she was over and over and over while watching this movie. How truly stupid do you have to be? Jess asks her friend/coworker – and even they don’t straight up tell her how stupid she is – she’s probably sick of hearing about how she thinks that they switched bodies – and tell her to believe her heart and not her brain.

Sarah Michelle Gellar still can’t act – Lee Pace (Ned the pie man from one of the greatest never-given-a-chance TV shows Pushing Daisies) is hard to believe as the asshole brother – because he’s still got the kind pie man’s face – and the rest of the cast put in yawn-tastic performances. The direction, plot and dialogue was just plain stupid and boring.

By the time it was finished – I felt dumber for the experience – and I wished I didn’t waste my time – 1 out of 5.

[directed by Simon Sandquist & Joel Bergvall]