Sucker Punch [2011]

An orphan girl [sad song] is sentenced to a lobotomy so that a crooked man [sad song] can steal her inheritance [sad song] and she imagines that she’s fighting back [techno song].

I swear I watched a solid half hour of this film – then the fast forward button was used liberally. I counted those music queues and there were 3 within the first 17 minutes of the movie – this started to make me really angry – because I felt I was watching a series of crappy sad sack music videos.

OPEN YOUR POUTY ASS MOUTH AND TELL THE FUCKING POLICE WHAT THIS GUY WAS DOING AND FUCKING STOP STANDING AROUND LOOKING FUCKING SAD!!!

Sure, there were some nice visually nifty action sequences that I forwarded through – but it became an obvious style over substance issue for me. I’m glad I didn’t waste my time watching the full movie – because to get to THAT ending would have pissed me off.

Cage Match

Someone came walking by my desk explaining to another coworker that Nicolas Cage’s GHOST RIDER was really good – and that she should watch it. He went on to explain just mere feet from my desk how many great Nicolas Cage films there are - listing them off title after title... I just wondered if someone was putting me on. Seriously? Nick Cage?

CON AIR, THE ROCK and GONE IN 60 SECONDS – were fun action films – but not great films by any stretch – and honestly they would’ve been just as fun with any actor in his role. I foolishly kept giving him the benefit of the doubt – and going – “this will be the film that will fix his reputation” – and I’m always disappointed. I know there are several people who will stand by this guy until the day the last multiplex explodes – but for the life of me – I don’t get it.

That’s fine. That’s good. I’m not looking to make anyone agree with me. Everyone should be free to like what they like movie-wise – and not be judged for it. With that conversation literally walking up to me - it’s just becoming obvious with each passing Nicholas Cage film – I realize how little I like his movies.

So, is anyone excited to see him revise the role of Ghost Rider? (and not see Ed Norton revise his role as the Hulk in another sequel to one of the best comic book movies of the past decade – mostly due to the weight of Norton’s performance and his dedication to helping write the script for a good story regardless of the special effect monsters)

Birdemic [2008]

I'm really not quite sure what I can say about this film that hasn't already been said - or is apparent by any viewing of any section of this film. It's bad - and deserves that distinction of badness in every right - except for the fact it was made by an amateur. There is practically zero redeeming qualities to this film - but its badness that carries you through.

So, the couple meets up - goes out on a few dates - and after they have sex in a no-tell-motel - birds start to attack and blow up the town!!!


The editing was a constant source of amusement - the lack of any sound editing was also a big laugh - the lighting was horrible - one character lit perfectly the next blurry. If they would've invested in a second camera to keep the continuity of the conversation flowing between the characters instead of shooting each line separate - the entire film would've improved by 75%.


The bird effects - bad! The gun effects - bad! The character development - bad!


It's really hard to distinct that this is a bad film compared to films that were actually made prior to home video editing software. This film if edited professionally - would've been plain bad - not in the conversation with a PLAN 9 or a TROLL 2 - but we watched this back-to-back with TROLL 2 - and you know TROLL 2 actually looked like competent filmmaking. Neither had much of a story - but it was superior and not as comical because it had competency and not the air of someone shooting this with a camcorder and editing it at home.


But anyway - if birds are attacking - I will not have an outdoor picnic! Or stop by every car that's pulled over on the side of the road to see what's up! I would keep driving - just like every other car that's in this film - unaffected by the birds attacking. It's like the birds are only attacking this very small California town because they are mad about global warming and all - but everyone else is going about their business because they aren't a part of the movie - they are just in the background because this is some guy and a video camera on the side of the road shooting his friends "act".


An electric powered Mustang?????? Let's stop at the woods because birds don't live in the woods... You saw a creek as you were driving by - and it was that much of a hike into the woods???? What's up with the bird expert on the bridge??? And the tree hugger??? And Susan???? My name is Susan!!! SUSAN!!! Argh!!! I'm still buzzed and trying to write this for Sunday before I go to bed - and I think I will have those fucking bird sound effects going through my brain for the rest of the week!


Obviously, this was a poor Hitchcock homage - made by an amateur filmmaker - but it still ranks up there with some of the worst films I've ever seen - but it doesn't mean I didn't laugh my ass off and have a good time watching it.

The Backup Plan [2010]

The thing about romantic comedies is that they are mindless fun – and I find it hard to come down hard on them and beat the shit out of them – like a film such as Get Him to the Greek. After all – they are not meant for me – they are meant to please girlfriends of people like me. So, even though I count them as a movie I watched – I zone out through most of them – and enjoy the company.

For those of you not familiar with the modern romantic comedy: The girl meets the guy – she dislikes him at first – he charms her - then they hook up – they fight – it looks as though they won’t get together even though they were “meant to be” – and at the end he comes running in and admits his mistakes and they embrace and happily ever after. Harmless fluff!

So, as I was polishing up my “review” yesterday of Get Him to the Greek – which I admit I had been sitting on for a while (I’m a lazy blogger) – I was considering calling it the worst film of the year. To cover my bases – I started looking at lists of films that came out over the course of 2010 – and that’s when I remembered – Get Him to the Greek was stupid and made me hurt – but J.Lo’s The Backup Plan was much much worse.

“Harmless fluff” you say! Well, yes – most of them are. Let me see if I can articulate what makes The Backup Plan different – and worthy or ridicule as opposed to my usual indifference.

J.Lo decides she wants a baby – she gets fertilized – then meets the “man of her dreams” – then passively aggressively throws it in his face and if he turns her away he’s a shallow prick instead of a man over-his-head who was looking to get to know this new girl instead of committing to her and a child for a lifetime. How this is romantic – I’m not sure. There’s no big flirt that goes on through the course of the film and makes you really think that this is going to be a story of two people who need to be together. It’s basically: “I’m having a sperm bank baby – you can be insensitive and leave me or you can be strong and stay!” – “Well, don’t think that I will be scared off by that! I’m not scared of babies!”

Yes, that’s dumb – but whatever – right? Yeah, I would’ve just let it go too – but later the big romantic comedy fight was about the fact that the guy told J.Lo that she’s not carrying his baby. This pissed her off and then they break-up. Could there have been a more artificial fight? The whole film is predicated on the fact that they are together despite her being pregnant with a sperm bank baby. Did J.Lo forget this?

They try to write it off as a hormonal thing – but that’s a slap in the face to female kind. How often do you see a female character make a poor decision based on so many different factors in films – and how often does it occur that the writers play the ‘dues ex machina’ card and call it female hormones? I could not think of a more chauvinistic piece of shit plot device. Plot twist – it was written by a woman - Kate Angelo! I’m personally hoping that she wrote the spec script – and the entire film got carried away into the wrong direction – just for her own well-being.

Now, I could leave it at that – because if it was only that bad – Get Him to the Greek had an equally stupid break-up scene – and an even dumber reuniting scene – but then it threw in childish insert stuff up your butt jokes. What could be worse than butt jokes? How about someone taking a big shit in a pool while giving birth and forcing the main characters to watch for no reason? How comedic! Yes! Poop jokes are worse than butt jokes in my book!

I’m reminded by my girlfriend that “shit happens” when giving birth – which is true – but to base a joke around it in a movie? To have people hold the main characters heads in a place so they have to watch the poop joke unfurl? Why? Is this movie a sweet romantic comedy or a gross out film?

Before I get it thrown into my face that rom-com’s are generally unrealistic and stupid – can you please take step back and consider basic reason – which is what’s missing in this film. Not asking for Hitchcock or Kurosawa – I’m looking for basic common sense.

You throw in the fact that my girlfriend despised the film too – said it “sucked” calling it “painful” & “terribly predictable and an unrealistic fairytale” – it failed at what its purpose was to be harmless fluff entertainment. Thus, I feel it is fair game – and I will place this at the very bottom of the list of films I’ve seen this year.

Happy Thanksgiving to all my US readers!

Get Him to the Greek [2010]

There’s little I can say about this film that hasn’t already been said. When the year of 2010 is remembered – it will be said that Get Him to the Greek was one of the movies released. It’s truly one of the films that starred and featured the comedic styling’s of Russell Brand and Jonah Hill. If you see any movie this year – this may have been it.

Jonah Hill plays a fat guy who has a girlfriend and a mission; To Get Him to the Greek. Russell Brand plays Him – who’s also apparently a rock star – he needs to get to the Greek.

I do not recall if there was a Greekish person in this film.

What this film does especially well is move. There’s lots of movement. All over the screen at times. Sometimes one character moves. Sometimes another character moves. Sometimes several characters move at the same time. I warn you that this film is a “talkie” – if you have not adapted to the fact that you can hear the people on the screen move and talk at the same time – I might recommend you put this on mute and pull up the sub-titles which is the only way to really simulate a non-talkie these days. If you are deaf – you are one step ahead of all of the rest of us.

The theme of the film is family – Him has a mother and a father – some kind of brother person and a bastard child. The fat guy also has a live in girlfriend and a boss – which is just like having a mother and father. His father is P. Diddly – which is an inspired choice for the role of the father – because he’s not an actor. Hill and Brand are interesting choices for the same reasons – as they are more concepts than people.

The other theme of this movie is that drugs are everywhere plentiful and should be done only good comes from using them. I’m not sure why over and over Hollywood shows us the folly of our ways in that drugs allow us to be famous, popular and successful – and drugs are still illegal. Both the fat character (whose name might be Fatty “Pork Chop” Blubberasserson) and Him ended up much better off than when they started – and they both took lots of drugs to get there. Films like Trainspotting, Half-Nelson, Fear & Loathing in Las Vegas, Spun and Michael J. Fox’s Doc Hollywood all show us that drugs are good.

I don’t like things often – and it’s hard from me to break from tradition. So, I won’t.

The best thing I can say about this film is that I watched it. The worst thing I can say about it is that I watched it.

If you like moving things – screaming – lots of stuff up the butt – melons painted to look like tiddies flashed – repeated things that convince you by sheer repetition that they are funny - and other stuff – like finger paints and free donkey rides – this may be a film you’d want to check out. If not – then I would continue on with my life and be thankful for every breath – because it’s a precious gift.

The end.

Possession [2008]

One day I walk up to you and say “Hi, I’m your Dad.” And then go on to tell you a few things only you and your Dad know – hang around you for a while doing things that your Dad does – and eventually you come to believe me that I’m your Dad. That’s the situation Jess finds herself in – in the movie Possession – when her evil brother in-law gets into a car accident with her perfect husband – and her evil brother in-law comes out of the coma first.

You eventually start to realize how stupid it is to believe that I’m your father – until you Google ‘possession’ – and find something saying that it’s completely possible. Then you wake up one day and your buried treasure is missing – and you come to find out that me - "your Dad" stole it – and left you with nothing. You file a police report claiming that you believed that some stranger was your father – and the police tell you how stupid you are and you get what you deserve.

Now, identity theft is a very real thing in this modern world of ours and it’s mostly electronic identity theft of accounts and credit cards. Only the most clever of con men would attempt the con that I put on you – and of course it only works because of how stupid you are.

I seriously could not stop telling Jess how stupid she was over and over and over while watching this movie. How truly stupid do you have to be? Jess asks her friend/coworker – and even they don’t straight up tell her how stupid she is – she’s probably sick of hearing about how she thinks that they switched bodies – and tell her to believe her heart and not her brain.

Sarah Michelle Gellar still can’t act – Lee Pace (Ned the pie man from one of the greatest never-given-a-chance TV shows Pushing Daisies) is hard to believe as the asshole brother – because he’s still got the kind pie man’s face – and the rest of the cast put in yawn-tastic performances. The direction, plot and dialogue was just plain stupid and boring.

By the time it was finished – I felt dumber for the experience – and I wished I didn’t waste my time – 1 out of 5.

[directed by Simon Sandquist & Joel Bergvall]

Bella [2006]

You know – when the year ends – the decade ends you think back about your favorite movies over that time span. It’s not really THAT important – but as a sense of – “I remember this time span for this particular film/event”. Like the death of Heath Ledger and his amazing performance in The Dark Knight – or you remember that you had a great date seeing a particular film.

Well, you wonder what you ended up missing out on – and you are eventually nudged in the right directions until you find that movie that you somehow overlooked – and you get that great little excitement for finding a “lost” gem.

Being a movie guy – I often wonder if I should ever put out a top 10 or something along those lines – if I haven’t seen everything that I need to debate about to put into a top 10. For instance – I’ve seen a handful of the Academy Award Best Picture nominees – but it’s certainly possible – that one of those that I missed – will end up being even better than the one that I’m rooting for.

I’ve been wondering about this film Bella for quite a while now. I’ve actually had it sitting on my shelf for I don’t know how long – but I borrowed it – and decided that I should eventually give it back. I was assured – that this film is exactly the kind of film that I would love. To be honest – I hear that kind of comment – and I’m almost immediately turned off by it. Unless it’s something that’s screaming “me” – to me – then I almost would prefer never to see it ever – just because if it’s horrible – what does that say about that person’s opinion of me?

Well, I finally got around to watching Bella – and oh my God does it suck!

You get two very likable characters – and what appears to be the unfolding of a fun little story – then here comes the pro-life dildo to RAM YOU IN THE ASS! Not that I dislike this film because it’s pro-life – every filmmaker has a point of view – and that’s great – I am honestly open to many different points of views and willing to ponder many thoughts – but you’ve got to come at it with at least a little bit of subtly. I PROMISE you that if he said "just get an abortion" - I would be equally offended - because of the lack of film subtly. It's a fucking movie - events and realizations should unfold - not be dictated to you.

So, the female character finds out she’s pregnant – she’s upset – and not wanting to have the child. She tells the male character – who’s all Jesus beard and whom she barely knows – but it doesn’t stop him from getting upset. So, they both leave work to spend the day together – and they are riding on the train having a good conversation he says “what about adoption?” out of nowhere – and it turns her off and makes me think “well that was an awkward moment”.

Then later – he brings her over for dinner – and everybody’s laughing having a great conversation – having a good time everything is so light and funny – and Mom says “you know we adopted one of our boys?” – out of the blue killing the momentum of the film’s whimsy.

Why not just fill out the fucking adoption papers for her? You barely know her – but you want to get all “I’m Jesus – blah blah blah – do what I say because I accidently killed a kid” – oh snap! I let the cat out of the bag. Jesus beard killed a kid by accident – and so it becomes obvious that since he suddenly takes interest in this girl who’s pregnant that he wants to raise up that kid... So, he’s doing it all for his own selfish reasons anyway! Not even just for some fucking pro-life message – for some heavy handed bullshit self-redemption reasons.

Then they play up some kind of gravitas towards the end where it’s been 7 years or something (they don’t tell you) – and we see Jesus beard playing with a kid on the beach – and the girl riding around in a cab – and they meet up and she looks a the kid and starts balling... Come on! We figured this out 45 minutes ago – there’s no more power in this scene! After the first “what about adoption” bullshit awkward question that comes out of nowhere – you should’ve realized that Jesus beard had ulterior motives.

Let me reiterate – I have no problem with the film being pro-life – I just wish they wouldn’t use a clown hammer to drive in the point. This film reminds me of Crash – I even think they pulled a cut scene from Crash in some off-key heavy handed white guy versus Chinese guy convenience store “oh it was all just a big misunderstanding” scene.

1 out of 5 – it could’ve been an enjoyable film if they just were subtle – but I can’t give it any higher marks because it did in fact piss me off - that is all.

[directed by Alejandro Gomez Monteverde]