Thursday, February 18, 2010

The Vampire Lovers [1970]

There’s a new pale family in town – and they need you to watch their daughter/niece – she’ll get along with your daughter well. REALLY well!

I really should stop watching Hammer Horror films. I always find them so stodgy and uninteresting. Even with this one where they stopped with the teasing and showed some skin – I found it incredibly unattractive. I’m always finding the lighting and directing make it seem like a movie factory – with a machine that stamps out the same basic stories – same bad cuts – same bland we 'need to show the string quartet every 4 seconds or you won’t know where the music is coming from' direction. The lighting – is it night or is it day – is it night or is it day? It’s the same!

There's hardly ever any joy or creativity to the filmmaking process in Hammer Horror films. They all seem to have a set of paints and a numbered sheet and they play by the rules. I immediately want to shut this off and watch something from Franco or Argento - or even Norman J. Warren who was kind of a studio guy - but he had fun and it showed in his films.

I’m typing this up with about 20 minutes left in The Vampire Lovers – and I’m not missing much. About 10 minutes ago – the butler made a joke about the girl dying because of being attacked by a vampire – and everyone thought it was a good idea – so they went with it.

What they don’t seem get is that this girl’s tutor or step-mother or whomever that is had been with the “child” so much longer than her new creepy best friend – but they seriously really truly suspect the tutor/step-mother – not the new weird "I prefer the shade" best friend?

And hey, stodgy old guys – now that you know that there’s vampires at large – why are you chatting in some castle and not heading over to your place to stop the vampiress? Nope, let’s hear the boring history that was covered right in the beginning of the film! STOP FUCKING AROUND IN THE CEMETARY – GO HOME AND STOP THE VAMPIRESS! IT’S YOUR FUCKING DAUGHTER AT STAKE HERE – DUMBASS!!! (Oh bad pun)

The acting is so bad too. You’re thin and have giant boobs! Would you be willing to flash them a couple times on film for a t-shirt… I mean a role in this vampire film? You don’t need to act – just show up and say what we tell you.

I did learn how to say "eyebrow" in German from this film – which I’ve already forgotten – so I wonder if it truly deserves the 2 out of 5 I’m giving it. No, it doesn’t – but I’m rounding up from like a 1.3 or something - and it gave me a couple of unintentional laughs - and since I don't hate it - more than 1 seems appropriate.

I’m probably not being fair. I don’t really like vampire movies – and I’ve already established a displeasure for most Hammer Horror films (Blood from the Mummy’s Tomb and Captain Kronos: Vampire Hunter – are two exceptions that pop out of my mind) – so if you like both you might dig this one – it’s a wee more scandalous because a couple flashes of breasts – which is not common for Hammer Horror.

Thank you, Peter Cushing – now I can stop my watching – my review – and move on to watching cooking programs or something.

[directed by Roy Ward Baker]

1 comment:

  1. I understand your point about preferring the movies of people like Norman J. Warren or Jess Franco simply because they seem to be having more fun. I quite enjoy Hammer horror but I do prefer eurohorror because it has more style, more outrageousness. And I always get the feeling that Hammer were a little embarrassed by having to include nudity, whereas European directors like Franco are completely relaxed and unashamed about it.

    I liked Blood from the Mummy’s Tomb and Captain Kronos: Vampire Hunter as well!