Siren [2004]

“Hey guys, I hear there’s a female ogre around these parts that preys on young greedy stupid virgin film students who don’t know how to make a film – but watch a lot of films so they thought they would try to make a film.”

“What’s that on the side of the road?”

“Oh, it’s a female – let’s pick her up!”

“I cannot possibly think of any possible reason why that even MIGHT be considered a bad idea!”

So, if I was watching this film – and let’s not pretend that I just wasted 78 minutes of my life watching this film – this is purely hypothetical... I would be asking the filmmaker – who is my friend – as that’s probably the only reason why I would watch this film... He’s still in film school – and he wants me to screen it and give an honest opinion... Okay? Is that enough of a set-up?

Well, I would ask my friend; “The dialogue – that seems kind of spontaneous. Was that difficult to write?” Then he would say; “Oh yeah, but we improvised a little.” Then I would say; “Oh.”

I wouldn’t have the guts to tell him that the dialogue at times makes little sense – and the directing, acting, story and everything makes little if no sense - almost like there wasn't any to begin with - it was all decided at the moment. The only thing that’s any good is the concept of the story – but that’s just about it. Concepts aren’t stories.

I also wouldn't have the heart to tell him that I hate movies made on cheap digital cameras. Sure the picture's clear - but there's no depth to the picture - it feels so sterile and wrong.

Then I would say; “How did you convince the girl to get nekkid that many times in your student film?” He would say; “She’s a porn star.” Then I would say; “Well, that makes sense.”**

I wouldn’t tell him that even though she’s cute and all – the hopes of seeing her breasts isn’t enough of a motivation to sit through the entire film – one would watch just to the point of seeing them – and then turn off the film. No, since I was watching this film with the filmmaker in the room I didn’t want to insult them by turning it off.

So bad.

I would then tell my friend that I thought it was pretty good – I would’ve done a few things differently – (like when it rained in that final scene I’d make sure the characters hair got wet – so the rain is convincingly wet and not just there) – and I would give it a 4 out of 5 and then drink another beer... But truly inside me that beer would be used to drown my sorrow of watching a really bad film that had no redeeming parts (other than boobs – but boobs aren’t a movie – until I MAKE THE MOVIE CALLLED BOOBS AND THAT’S ALL THAT WILL BE AND EVER BE - BOOBS!!!) – but truly inside it’s barely worth a 1 out of 5 – but I round up from NOTHING!

Okay, I admit it – I watched this film... And the filmmaker wasn't there with me... It’s only because I got the ‘Behind the Pink Curtain – The Complete History of Japanese Sex Cinema’ and got overly excited and rented the first pinku style film that I found on Netflix even if it was modern and I HATE modern Japanese sex cinema films... And I regret it okay? I’m sorry.

[directed by Satoshi Torao]

** This is also the reason why I cannot find a picture of this movie on the internet - or even a picture of the movie's "star" that doesn't have a male appendage sticking out of her in some fashion. So, ummm... G'morning!