X-Men: First Class [2011]

The story of how the X-Men got started.

I didn’t expect to like this one too much – but the 60’s short dresses – lingerie and plenty of attractive women showing their curves – sold me that this is the GREATEST MOVIE OF ALL TIME!! There were some guys in it and they did stuff too – but did you see all the cleavage? Wow! Lots of hot leg action too! January Jones is already a porn name – but that’s her REAL name – she played the lady who dressed in shiny white leather – boobs! James Fassbender and Michael McAvoy are in this movie somewhere – and I’m sure they did a fine job doing the things they do – but Jennifer Lawrence as the blue naked chick – yes please! I watched it and thought maybe I should watch it again in slow-mo! There’s even some Nazi killing too – which is all fuck yeah – did you see the caboose on that chick! They should make movies with just chick being almost naked – or even a little naked – that would be awesome! I’m going to start a film studio that specializes in that!

Insidious [2011]

A family moves into a new house – and suddenly their son is in a coma and the wife sees a bunch of creepy people all around who menace her newborn and attack her – but when she calls for hubby’s help – they’re gone! So, they move – and it keeps happening!! What’s going on here?

After a certain amount of dropping piano sounds and screams – I became apathetic to the whole movie. It wasn’t a bad movie – it just relied too much on those aspects to get scares – when I thought it was doing a fine job building suspense on its own – it didn’t need to result to cheap tactics.

The movie reminded me a lot of the atmosphere that the PARANORMAL ACTIVITY movies were trying to build (and it’s from the makers of – so it makes sense) – with the calm eeriness – then something happens that grips your throat and you’re instantly freaked out. Instead of allowing that air it self out though they threw in a loud bang sound effect – which I honestly couldn’t tell if they wanted you to believe that it was coming from inside the house or from the soundtrack.

I also felt the filmmakers almost intended to make a simple haunted house movie by the way they introduced the books falling off the shelf while everyone was in the kitchen eating breakfast in the beginning. If you’ve seen the movie and know the “twists” – then you’ll know how this scene doesn’t make any sense – unless it’s JUST the house. I guess they will leave those answers to the eventual sequel.

The ending was a shame – there’s a lot of horror movies that end the exact same way – and I would’ve just liked to see the opposite because I felt that would’ve made for a BETTER twist.

Again, it wasn’t a bad film – there were some redeeming qualities – such as the reliance of the idea of what is left unseen. I’m not sure if it was intended as part of the freaky nature – but the relation of where things/people were in relation to each other was left me confused and it brought me into the story a bit because it wasn’t set in a way that I could immediately identify. I tend to think it was a bit of bad filmmaking but it worked for me.

From the advertisements I saw – it was pimped as being from the ‘makers of PARANORMAL ACTIVITY’ – even if it was directed by the creator of the SAW franchise. So, when the SAW puppet made a blatant cameo I felt that was a dick length scene – the “I’ve spawned more sequels and I was on the scene before you PARANORMAL ACTIVITY guy” – because I CAN’T see the point of having that puppet drawn on the chalk board in hubby’s classroom. No point – other than Ego of the director. It’s fine if you want to work the puppet in – but making that blatant? There’s a lot of moving boxes – couldn’t the puppet be somewhere in the background half hidden by boxes? No... Let’s essentially turn a scene where we’re supposed to concentrate on the lead character having a phone conversation – and put a drawing of the puppet over his shoulder the entire time!

The film isn’t bad – but it’s just above average for me – you’ll get for the most part what you expect from it.

Get Him to the Greek [2010]

There’s little I can say about this film that hasn’t already been said. When the year of 2010 is remembered – it will be said that Get Him to the Greek was one of the movies released. It’s truly one of the films that starred and featured the comedic styling’s of Russell Brand and Jonah Hill. If you see any movie this year – this may have been it.

Jonah Hill plays a fat guy who has a girlfriend and a mission; To Get Him to the Greek. Russell Brand plays Him – who’s also apparently a rock star – he needs to get to the Greek.

I do not recall if there was a Greekish person in this film.

What this film does especially well is move. There’s lots of movement. All over the screen at times. Sometimes one character moves. Sometimes another character moves. Sometimes several characters move at the same time. I warn you that this film is a “talkie” – if you have not adapted to the fact that you can hear the people on the screen move and talk at the same time – I might recommend you put this on mute and pull up the sub-titles which is the only way to really simulate a non-talkie these days. If you are deaf – you are one step ahead of all of the rest of us.

The theme of the film is family – Him has a mother and a father – some kind of brother person and a bastard child. The fat guy also has a live in girlfriend and a boss – which is just like having a mother and father. His father is P. Diddly – which is an inspired choice for the role of the father – because he’s not an actor. Hill and Brand are interesting choices for the same reasons – as they are more concepts than people.

The other theme of this movie is that drugs are everywhere plentiful and should be done only good comes from using them. I’m not sure why over and over Hollywood shows us the folly of our ways in that drugs allow us to be famous, popular and successful – and drugs are still illegal. Both the fat character (whose name might be Fatty “Pork Chop” Blubberasserson) and Him ended up much better off than when they started – and they both took lots of drugs to get there. Films like Trainspotting, Half-Nelson, Fear & Loathing in Las Vegas, Spun and Michael J. Fox’s Doc Hollywood all show us that drugs are good.

I don’t like things often – and it’s hard from me to break from tradition. So, I won’t.

The best thing I can say about this film is that I watched it. The worst thing I can say about it is that I watched it.

If you like moving things – screaming – lots of stuff up the butt – melons painted to look like tiddies flashed – repeated things that convince you by sheer repetition that they are funny - and other stuff – like finger paints and free donkey rides – this may be a film you’d want to check out. If not – then I would continue on with my life and be thankful for every breath – because it’s a precious gift.

The end.