Gentlemen Broncos [2009]

If I can teach anyone anything about movies this week it’s – “concepts are not movies”!!!!


Benjamin is an aspiring sci-fi writer – who’s already wrote several novellas and dreams of one day being able to help support his mother. He goes off to a writing camp – where he meets his hero - the writer Chevalier – who’s actually struggling to come up with any relevancy these days. When Chevalier reads Benjamin’s story – he decides to plagiarize it – and it becomes a hit.


Sounds like a pretty interesting concept doesn’t it? Well, there’s only one problem; there’s a PLOT and CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT that goes along with it!!! Oh no!!! Somebody ruined a “concept” and actually made it a story! Somebody better call up Will Ferrell and tell him to put on a funny outfit and start screaming at people!


That’s right – Benjamin has a driving force behind him. He wants to do better for his mother – he wants to pay tribute to his father with his writing – he wants to be an author and be taken seriously – all of which are realistic, well defined and attainable within the premise of the film. Ben is a realistic character in how he acts and reacts to the strange set of characters this movie is based around. Actor Michael Angarano brings a very solid believable base to the character and he is excellent in the role.



Everyone else in the film is wacky as bugnuts – which works because we have a solid believable likable character in the middle of it all to follow – and it’s his story so we are not dividing our time on weak subplots. Jemaine Clement plays Chevalier with a funny voice – but that’s fine it’s either that or talk with his New Zealand accent – which would sound a bit funny anyway. Sam Rockwell as Bronco/Brutus (the character in Ben and then Chevalier’s story) plays it over the top – which is fine because he’s meant to be a fictional character in a crazy sci-fi world.


All the other strange characters – that only Jared Hess (creator of Napoleon Dynamite) would dream up – are odd, nerdy, over-the-top characters – but they work because they are icing on a well-developed cake plot.


The movie goes back and forth from Ben’s real life – to Ben’s sci-fi story – to Chevalier’s version of the story – and it’s done with ease. It doesn’t feel forced – it feels there to help illustrate that Ben wants to be taken seriously – and also helps highlight the subplot where Ben sells the rights to a friend so they can make the movie version – making it 3 different takes of the sci-fi novella in this film.


The special effects are top notch – you get the feeling that Wes Anderson is kicking himself for not thinking up this film first. They are whimsical and entertaining – yet cheap and cheesy.



I see that I’m getting off on a praise tangent – well – I’m not going to proclaim this to be an amazing film. It’s fun – and compared to the two “concept” films I saw before it –this is amazing. It does get to be a little too much to bear at times – especially since they throw in a few poop jokes and a barf joke (which could’ve really stayed out of it).


Overall it’s an enjoyable film – one worthy of your attention if you liked Napoleon Dynamite – and I’ll walk away giving it a 4 out of 5.

I Sell the Dead [2008]

Repeat after me my fitness friends – “concepts are not movies”.


This film is about...


Okay maybe it’s not that obvious – young Arthur Blake is apprenticing to become a grave robber with Willy. They soon discover – over the MANY years they spent doing this - that selling corpses to doctors (looking to advance the cause of medicine) isn’t providing them with enough money to purchase all the ale they want – so they decide to start selling the undead.


My problems with this film start in the very beginning. Ron Perlman – who may be a fine actor in some people’s eyes – can’t pick an accent. He starts muttering everything from English, to Scottish, to Australian, to Irish accents – when he should’ve just stuck with an American accent – because it certainly would NOT have detracted from the quality of this film.


Then my other general beefs with this film start flowing like water. Ron’s priest character whose taking down Arthur’s last words – writes so slowly and unbelievably – they should’ve stopped showing him scrawl because it made no sense and became a distraction. Then the clever dialogue exchanges between any number or characters made me think of Quinten Tarantino – and how he waxes on about nothing out loud in his scripts. The only problem is – Tarantino eventually gets to a point – where in this script – they talked because it sounded cool.


Here’s an actual bit of dialogue that almost made me shut off the film.


“You want to dig narrow. You don’t want to dig too wide neither.”


Clever way of saying the exact same thing – and filling a script with what must be clever dialogue.



The movie will pause time to time and turn into a comic book illustration – I’m not sure as to why – but I really wish it didn’t. They are adding fake style to go along with their “clever” dialogue.


Riddle me this Batman - why would anyone stay in this business of grave robbing if it doesn't pay? Why not just become cobblers, bartenders, stable boys, soldiers, beggars - whatever? How they are graver robbing and never getting dirty? Who's paying for the undead after the doctor they are working for is killed by the first one they discover? Who buried the alien? Why can't you stick with a plot for the entire film? Why did I get the feeling Buffy, Angel and Doctor Who all passed on this weak ass script? Why did this feel like one of those old 70's failed TV shows that get edited together with a couple of extra scenes added to make it into a movie????


They wanted to make a Sam Raimi film inspired by Quinten Tarantino – but the problem is they didn’t get past the clever concept of it all. “What if grave robbers stole the undead?” – well you might get a muddled up piece of garbage like this – or you might want to decide what the characters are all about – what their motivations are – then come up with a simple plot – THEN threw your nifty little concept onto that – then it might work.


I’m giving this one a 2 out of 5 – because I didn’t watch the final half-hour (that’s a pity point) – because I was playing The Sims 3: World Adventures.


[directed by Glenn McQuaid]

Hot Tub Time Machine [2010]

I had a very specific plan to watch this film – and though the plan worked out just the way I wanted it – the movie still disappointed.


The film is about...


From the look and sound of the previews of this film – you have to ask yourself if this is going to be a lowest common denominator comedy – where the cheapest of the cheap jokes come out – or is it going to surprise much like The Hangover did with its “smart” dumb humor. Well, it started to become pretty apparent from the beginning of the film – once we were introduced to the Lou character – that we should abandon all hope – ye who enter here – because here comes the clown hammer.


I grew up in the 80’s – and lived through every day of them – but not as much as some people apparently. I’ll never understand why people are so hung up on remembering that decade. Sure, pop culture cheese was oozing through the streets – but isn’t it time we got over it as a culture? It wouldn’t be the 80’s if we weren’t mentioning Michael Jackson, Ronald Reagan, MTV, cocaine, hair metal bands, leggings and neon – all but one of those things are dead and it’s losing to meth – so can we please move on?


I think we should invade North Korea - and once we take it over - everyone who wants to live in the 1980's can live there. We don't have much contact with that country anyway - and considering how Kim Jong Il is such a big pop-culture nut - he might turn over the keys to the country and make the 8o's-topia. Everyone can enjoy their Motley Crue and Ally Sheedy there and leave us out of it!



John Cusack does the typical John Cusack performance – in the typical John Cusack role – which reminds me why I’m not super impressed with John Cusack. Never heard of Rob Corddry – and I realize it’s because I don’t like Will Ferrell or his low brow – I’m-shouting-because-that’s-what-makes-it-funny films – now that I’ve been exposed to him – I know to avoid him.


I like Craig Robinson and Chevy Chase – and I’m glad I get to see them in intelligent and FUNNY comedies every week – just wish I didn’t see them in this film - even though they were the best part. I didn’t get the feeling they were scooping from the bottom of the barrel all the time to get their laughs - though Robinson reached. Clark Duke as Jacob was also pretty good - and Crispin Glover kind of stole the show from all of them.


One thing that constantly bums me out about films these days - is the continual usage of concepts to sell films. Concepts aren't movies - they aren't stories - they aren't plot - they aren't character development - they are concepts - they are like the butter on your toast. If you cannot come up with a story, characters or whatever - it doesn't matter if you come up with the greatest concept in the world - it's not going to work. If you want to eat straight butter - go for it - you'll get fat and sick.


Fart jokes, poop jokes, barf jokes, boob jokes, blow job jokes, male nudity jokes, penis jokes, butt jokes, singing as a joke, set-up/punchline jokes... Yep, you get them all right here in this cleverly packaged piece of cinematic blah.


Don’t get me wrong – I laughed my ass off – but that was only because my plan worked - nothing chemically induced just a little self awareness. After it was all done though I had an icky feeling and ended up I feeling cheap and used. I can’t give this film anything more than a 3 out of 5 - and that's a hesitant rounded up 3 – and if I ever watched it again – it’ll get worse.


[directed by Steve Pink]

Brick & Mortar Stores Become Even More Useless

So, that was a big mission failure on my Saturday goal of finding the Troll/Troll 2 double feature DVD in order to enjoy the corniness of Troll 2. The alarming thing I’ve found though while I was searching was how so many of the usual suspects for finding DVD’s have slashed their DVD collections down to almost nothing.

Borders – was down to half of their previous stock. Best Buy – down to maybe a third of their previous stock (they didn’t even have genre sections). Even Blockbuster had just a couple rows of new movies for sale.

Wal-Mart – where I knew I saw this double feature in the cheap-bin - still had a ton of DVD’s – but their collection is more of the same new films. If I ever wanted to pick up a $5 copy of Old School – I know where to go.

The one place that I know always had it – was Circuit City – but they mismanaged themselves out of business. I remember seeing it there all the time – and I would laugh because I never thought I would actually want a copy. I can't believe I'm missing the day of the overpriced Sunset Video, Tower Records and other JUST CD/DVD stores.

I got the “we can order it” comment from anyone who’d ask if I was finding what I was looking for – but I can order it myself. It’s called Amazon – they are the bomb. Despite my love for Amazon – it doesn’t do me much good to order it – if I want to watch it now.

I won’t blame Blu-Ray – as it’s still growing in popularity – and the store’s collection of those still pale in comparison to the now meager collections of DVD. I will one day blame Blu-Ray for the crappy transfers on films that really don’t need the “treatment” – like Troll 2.

So, my fellow reader(s) – have you been noticing the “encouragement” from the actual brick-and-mortar stores to use the internets for all your movie purchasing needs?

The Best Worst Movie [2008]

You know, this is one of the reasons I love movies.

A REALLY bad book is a book you stop reading.

A REALLY bad song is a song you don't want to hear again.

A REALLY bad movie is a movie you can watch again and again - and it can bring you hours of entertainment.

Today, I wake up with the goal of finding my very own copy of the film this documentary is based on - and laughing along with everyone else.

BEST WORST MOVIE Trailer from Best Worst Movie on Vimeo.

Futurama: Into the Wild Green Yonder [2009]

The Wong’s are planning a giant put-put golf course that threatens to take out 12% of the Milky Way as well as a very special planet that could be the key to all life in the Universe – and it’s up to Fry, Leela and Bender to stop them.


They said when the plan was put forth to bring back Futurama in straight to DVD movie form – that they would put out the strongest story first just in case they get shut down again. So, does that mean in this their final straight to DVD movie – that this is the weakest story? Yes. Yes, it does.


First off – it’s apparent where the episode break is – as the first third of the “film” has very little to do with the last two-thirds. It’s like an episode tacked on to draw out the “film” so it can be “feature length”. Plus, the whole cast doesn’t all spend enough time together – doing their usual hijinx – which is disappointing if Comedy Central didn’t pick up the show again and we weren’t getting new episodes shortly.



The plot revolves too much around Leela’s Femi-environmentalist group – and Fry’s secret society – which keeps their story from wrapping up in a nice tidy bow. Bender got his own mini-story in the beginning with seducing the Don-bots dame – which didn’t he do before in an actual episode or something? Then Bender teamed up with Brannigan – to double-cross his best friends then turn the tables on his own double-cross (a classic Bender move – but not unexpected – hence I spoil that surprise here w/o fear). Farnsworth is left with the b-crew – of Amy, Hermes, Zoidberg and Scruffy (you know - the janitor) – but those characters are like flavoring for the other three to play with – so nothing interesting happens there.


It’s got a good positive eco-message – that wouldn’t be so overbearing if the crew was together – but with each character having their own thing going – it felt completely overbearing and boring (where’s Al Gore’s cameo – wasn’t he in all the other 3 Futurama “movies”?).


There was a few good laughs – but nothing that’s as memorable for me to stand up and tell you “good news everybody” – but since that’s usually followed by bad news – maybe I should be saying it loud and clear?


I guess – I’m not really all that mad – and the annoyance of the “movie” dissipates with the knowledge that this weak-ass piece of space junk isn’t the last we see of the Planet Express crew. They left the door open nicely – though Fry shouldn’t have told Leela that he loved her in the final seconds – because now it feels like they tried to wrap it up last second with the piece of crap story – instead of still crossing their fingers that they had a deal in the works.



My first viewing I was equally perplexed by this “movie” – but I gave it a 4 out of 5 – this my second viewing – I’m going to stick with that rating – and hope that it becomes one of those episodes that I need to watch several times to really appreciate. (Though it’s more along the lines of a 3 if I was rating it like I rate everything else)


[directed by Peter Avanzino]

The Best Tits In Japanese Cinema

Well, come on - it's April Fools Day - did you really expect me to pass up an opportunity like that?

There's a part of me that still wants to make the title of the post a reality - but it'll take a lot more... um... research - so until then... DRILL BRA!

For those of whom that are curious - this is an image from Machine Girl [2008] - an awful film that put me off modern pinku genre films for a couple years. I owned my copy for just barely long enough to watch it through once - if you count driving it from the store to my house - as I listed it and sold it on the internet before I was even done watching it.