Now, my completely FAKE review of INSIDIOUS – based on what the poster looks like.
A family tries to buy a home from Justin Beiber – but he doesn’t want to sell it at all! When the courts award the house to the family because even the courts think Justin Beiber is a spoiled little shit – he gets really mad.
So mad he TURNS RED!!!
Beiber shows a much darker side than what I ever expected of him – but that’s what puberty will do to you!
His first strategy for getting the family to give back his house was obviously to sing and dance out in front of the house on the sidewalk – you’ve got to have the kiddie music tie in if you’re gonna have a horror movie based around Beiber. I understand that but to the length that they went and how well the family acted impartially-terrified was horrific all in itself. I actually went into the kitchen and started looking for my Rachel Ray knife set ready to slit my own wrists and sign over my apartment to Beiber in my own blood.
When that didn’t work – and Beiber got even more enraged he started standing in front of the house just staring into it with his face unchanged – just like in the poster – for what appeared to be days. When the dog came up and piddled on his leg for the 4th time – is when I think Beibs went from a human to a demon – the 5th time was just too much if you ask me. I get the 6th time was to drive in the emphasis of his mission – but the 7th time kind of made me sick to my stomach.
Beiber then decides to pull out the ACME catalog and orders a doggie door – installs it on their back door when they are at work – and then later that night sneaks in and rearranges their potted plants – caught by the wife character – she calls the police – Beiber is arrested and spends the night in jail – only released out on bail when he seduces a local gang member by doing more singing (the head resting on the bars of the cell – and the other inmates rhythmically banging their metal cups against the bars – made for a sweet scene) – once out of jail Beibs heads right back over to the house hides in a pile of dead leaves and waits for them to leave for work the next morning – then he goes through the doggie door once again – only to discover they boobie trapped the house to explode if he enters the house – melting his face but leaving his hair intact – we see Beibs apparently dead body and we zoom in on his eyes that pop open and scare the bejesus out of everyone... Thus setting the scene for the sequel; INSIDIOUS 3: BABY BABY BABY