The Rites of Frankenstein [1972]

Evil Caligostro sends his evil bird vampire woman creation to kill Dr. Frankenstein so that he may steal his monster to have it do his bidding!

The middle part of the film was a bit of a mess – and I’m not really too sure what Caligostro was aiming at having the monster kidnap beautiful women. It sounded as though Caligostro wanted the women for himself as Melisa mentioned at one point – they were to be of such beauty and please him – but suddenly he was interested in creating his own woman monster to pair up with Frankenstein’s monster. The purpose was also very unclear – maybe he liked watching monster sex?

There was a VERY undeveloped sub-plot involving Lina Romay as Esmerelda – who heard evil voices – that mostly liked to repeat her name. She would ask some old lady what the voices were all about – but I’m not sure if this old woman knew she was in a movie – she looked very concerned that this young woman in thigh high boots and a frock kept putting her head in her lap.

It’s especially a muddled up mess when you are introduced to the zombies – which I thought were called Panthos. I later come to question if they were just zombies and Panthos was some kind of demon spirit they all worshiped. If Caligostro had an army of zombies – why did he need Dr. Frankenstein’s monster? They didn’t explain that. From what we saw of the zombies – it only looked like they were good at wandering through the woods with sheets wrapped around them – with their faces poking out - looking like ghosts that were afraid they would bump into stuff.

Melisa the bird vampire creature was kind of fun – but the tweeting sound effects she made when she stalked or feasted was (really) annoying. She was hot though! Vera Frankenstein was a misguided character – I thought she was all about bringing down Caligorstro – but she pretty much turned herself in – and submitted to his will. Caligostro himself was a master of having Melisa speak for him – even though he was not mute – but it gave him time to stare with his eyes very wide. The monster was actually pretty good – a big man covered in silver paint – there wasn’t much more needed.

Here’s the thing – if you go into a Jess Franco film thinking that you’ll understand everything that is happening right away – or be able to follow a simple plot line – you’re going to be disappointed. He seems to provide puzzle pieces at times – and expects you to take the leap with those pieces in order to complete his story. It’s not exactly a successful narrative style – but for people who enjoy his work – it’s fun.

The other thing fans of Franco’s work expect – is a bit (of a barrel full) of sleaze – and for some reason there were plenty of great opportunities for sleaze – but no sleaze! A woman is strapped down to a table – perfect opportunity for her to be buck naked. There was an artist model posing fully clothed – and it made me really wonder if a nude portrait would be more fun. There’s a woman who’s taking off her clothes – another fairly good opportunity for her to be shown in the buff – but she’s a modest undress-er on camera. It turns out that the Synapse release was some non-sleaze version – where all the sleaze was actually hiding in the ‘Alternate Footage’ section of the DVD – but it also shows all those scenes redone with nudity.

Overall – for a Franco film – it was more coherent than some and fairly fun. I wish my version had the sleaze in the film – which would have made it better. Also, if Lina Romay got a chance to do anything more than lay her head on an old woman’s lap and sit by a creek – it would’ve been even better. Yet, as it is – it’s okay – a take it or leave it Franco film.

Double Feature Friday: [REC] (2007) / [REC 2] (2009)

A news segment about a reporter following a local Barcelona group of firefighters on their nightly routine suddenly becomes documentation of some kind of outbreak of some contagious disease that causes people to become rabid killers.

[REC] is one of my top 5 favorite horror movies of the past decade. It’s essentially a zombie movie – but it’s far more thrilling than the DAWN OF THE DEAD remake because it’s told from a first person point of view. It blends what feels like news footage from a war zone into what’s simply a claustrophobic zombie experience.

Throw in the intrigue of how quickly the building is quarantined and the intrigue into what mysteries are being hidden and where – the film works on a variety of levels for both thrills and on-the-fly narrative. The direction of the film must have been tricky – as you would have to have your cinematographer running around as a character – and monitoring the adlibbed both camera movements and dialogue – it’s an easy recipe to fail at for someone who didn’t have a big pair of brass balls. The lead actress is likable and convincing as both a fluff news reporter – and as a terrified as she becomes as the situation unfolds.

[REC] was remade almost shot for shot in the US and released as the film QUARANTINE – I beg you to SKIP that version and go straight to the source.

Nearly an hour since the events in [REC] a swat team is sent into the quarantined building along with a priest to find out what’s going on.

What [REC] succeeds at – [REC 2] tries to tweak only mildly. Each swat team characters has a helmet camera to monitor what they see – so there are multiple cameras at work as opposed to the single camera in [REC]. Then it takes what the audience perceives as the rabid zombie virus and turns it on its ear – which is hinted at toward the end of [REC] – but even if there was never a sequel – one could be happy with the direction of the first film without this film as an addendum.

[REC 2] does more story telling than the first film – it leads the audience down a certain path instead of spinning them around in an office chair and dropping them into a mess. So, in a way they are two completely different films – but the same concepts were being used as story telling elements. I do admit that the freshness of the first film doesn’t come off as well into the second – but I think that has more to do with the storytelling in the second – which is understandable – you have to change the formula a bit for a sequel to this kind of film.

I love how it turned the zombie element on its ear – I’m honestly getting a little bored of zombies – not as much as I’m sick of vampires – but there’s too much zombie stuff going around these days. There are some good twists – and some head scratchers in this film – but after a step back from watching them both – they make far more sense than most American horror movies.

Though I have not seen QUARANTINE 2 – from the previews it appears that it abandon’s all that the premise that makes [REC 2] special – which actually makes me curious to see Q2 a bit.

Two additional [REC] films are being planned – reading that just now gives me a little chill up my spine – I can’t wait.

Z is for... [part 2]

If there's been a zombie apocalypse and you're road-tripping alone though the wasteland, you could do worse than run into Tallahassee (Woody Harrelson), a bourbon-swilling bad-boy butt-kicker with a really cool car. This is where the careful hero of Zombieland, a kid nicknamed Columbus (Jesse Eisenberg), finds himself early in the film, and you can hardly blame him for hitching a ride with this swaggering Alpha Male. Still, they have their hands full not only with gibbering zombies but also with two sisters (Emma Stone and Abigail Breslin) who will stop at nothing to reach a Disneyland-like amusement park in L.A. Although Zombieland gets off to a rocky start with Columbus's overly-cute narration (he's got a list of rules for surviving in the zombie world), it settles into an amusing comedy, regularly interrupted by bouts of blood-letting. The road-trip stuff is enough fun that when the movie does arrive at its version of Disneyland, the air goes out of it a little; sure, there's a giant zombie blowout, with entrails flying, but it's not quite the same. Director Ruben Fleischer keeps the gags coming, although the movie is often funnier in its odd little asides (both Eisenberg and Harrelson are expert at this) than in its official jokes. Comic high point: an interlude at the home of a very famous movie star, who plays himself--and we'll leave the spoiler unspoiled, in case anybody hasn't heard about this funny extended cameo. (synopsis provided by Amazon.com)

released 2009

directed by Ruben Fleischer

R is for...

From Executive Producers who brought you Quarantine, comes the movie that inspired the terror. A beautiful TV reporter (Manuela Velasco, Law of Desire) and her cameraman are doing a routine interview at a local fire station when an emergency call comes in. Accompanying the firefighters to a nearby apartment, the news team begins recording the bloodcurdling screams coming from inside an elderly woman's unit. After authorities seal off the building to contain the threat, the news crew, firefighters and residents are trapped to face a lethal terror inside. With the camera running, nothing may survive but the film itself. (synopsis by Amazon.com)

released 2008

directed by Jaume Balaguero & Paco Plaza

N is for... [part 2]

We can hardly imagine how shocking this film was when it first broke into the film scene in 1968. There's never been anything quite like it again, though there have been numerous pale imitations. Part of the terror lies in the fact that it is shot in such a raw and unadorned fashion that it feels like a home movie, and is all the more authentic because of that. It draws us into its world gradually, content to establish a merely spooky atmosphere before leading us through a horrifically logical progression that we hardly could have anticipated. The story is simple: Radiation from a fallen satellite has caused the dead to walk, and hunger for human flesh. Once bitten, you become one of them. And the only way to kill one is by a shot or blow to the head. We follow a group holed up in a small farmhouse who are trying to fend off the inevitable onslaught of the dead. The tension between the members of this unstable, makeshift community drives the film. Night of the Living Dead establishes savagery as a necessary condition of life. Marked by fatality and a grim humor, the film gnaws through to the bone, then proceeds on to the marrow. (synopsis provided by Amazon.com)

directed by George Romero

released 1968

# is for... [part 2]

The director/producer team that created Trainspotting turn their dynamic cinematic imaginations to the classic science fiction scenario of the last people on Earth. Jim (Cillian Murphy) wakes up from a coma to find London deserted--until he runs into a mob of crazed plague victims. He gradually finds other still-human survivors (including Naomie Harris), with whom he heads off across the abandoned countryside to find the source of a radio broadcast that promises salvation. 28 Days Later is basically an updated version of The Omega Manand other post-apocalyptic visions; but while the movie may lack originality, it makes up for it in vivid details and creepy paranoid atmosphere. 28 Days Later's portrait of how people behave in extreme circumstances--written by novelist Alex Garland (The Beach)--will haunt you afterward. Also featuring Brendan Gleeson (The General, Gangs of New York) and Christopher Eccleston (Shallow Grave, The Others). (synopsis provided by Amazon.com)

directed by Danny Boyle

released 2002

Dead Snow [2009]

A group of friends go to a mountain cabin in Germany for Easter vacation – not if zombie Nazi’s have anything to say about it.

This movie seems like a good idea – you take any concept these days throw some zombies into it – and most studios will make it – but if you have Nazi zombies? Well, that’s bound to be a classic, right?

CONCEPTS AREN’T MOVIES!

If you aren’t even going to bother with writing a script that has any intelligence to it – why bother? Make a 10 minute YouTube video – and stretch your 2 minute plot out there.

It didn’t take long for this movie to beg me to hate it. Why? Movie guy! Why do horror films feel the need to actually have that movie nerd who wants to talk about horror films in the horror movie? So, are zombies real or fictional in this world that this movie is taking place? You’re watching the same films I am apparently – so you’re killing my suspension of disbelief with every “cute” reference by movie guy.

Make your own movie that the movie incompetent can reference later in their dumbass movie – don’t give yourself props by talking about the difference between the first two Evil Dead’s.

Then – you want to do the clichéd spooky old man who comes by and warns the kids? Fine. Can you please explain to me why he walked THAT long of a distance to spook the kids – and then why he DIDN’T TAKE HIS OWN FUCKING ADVICE?

You want to make a film in the snow? Cool – I like that idea. Here’s the problem – if you are going to have someone abducted – then everyone run out and go “hey where’d they go” – you don’t have to be an expert tracker to know that “they went that-a-way”! It’s called tracks in the snow – look it up.

This movie fails as a comedy – as a horror film – and as anything other than just a fun concept that was pathetically executed. When you find yourself rooting for zombies – or Nazi’s – or zombie Nazi’s - over the main characters you know you are doing something wrong. From a director (Tommy Wirkola) who’s only other credit is a German spoof film – I should’ve known better – Dead Snow doesn’t deserve the 1 out of 5 that it’s getting. This film makes Jesus Franco's Oasis of the Zombies [1983] still the king of zombie Nazi's - though it was one of Franco's lesser works.

Zombieland [2009]

I was hesitant to see Zombieland in the theater – as it looked like it’d either be really good – or dreadfully bad. Sometimes those stylized “hip at the time” kind of films – especially comedies - can lead you in with it’s sweet promises – only for you to walk out cursing that you were duped again.

The United States has been overrun by zombies. An overly cautious boy named Columbus (Jesse Eisenberg) meets a violent Twinkie obsessed guy named Tallahassee (Woody Harrelson)– they join up to travel and to survive. They meet a girl named Wichita (Emma Stone) and her younger sister named Little Rock (Abigail Breslin)– and a cat and mouse chase develops.

This film tries to have some varying themes and zombie like messages – but that’s coated so very thin – that it’s almost not worth mentioning. The main theme would probably be the detachment of people from each other – given the fact that Columbus was basically a shut-in – and they all call themselves by the town they grew up in – in order not to get too attached to one another.

The film is pretty much all fun and zombie killing from there. It provides some VERY solid laughs – some good zombie kills – and a special cameo that was quite satisfying. The movie felt like a video game at times – which is fine – but it does lack substance for it.

Everybody was as good as can be expected in their respective parts – with a special nod to Woody Harrelson who hits a big home run in the role of Tallahassee. The performances – really don’t equate into the liking of the film – you just basically don’t want to follow around a bunch of unlikable characters – so as long as the parts are written right – there’s no problems.

As Columbus ticks off his “rules to survive” there’s graphics showing up on the screen – and demonstrations of what he’s talking about. The graphics don’t added or detracted from my personal enjoyment of the film – but in other films I know it’s really gotten to me. Don’t try and be too cute or try to bee too cool “look at us” – or else I’ll turn off right away.

There's plot holes the size of something very big and there’s a couple of really stupid decisions made my some of the characters – that you just want to shout at the screen and ask “why?” – but it’s no more dumb than giant robots who can transform into stuff in order to hide in plain site but not transforming when they need to because they want to play peek-a-boo around the corner of a fucking house while that stupid fucking kid is having some inane conversation with his dumber than rocks family in that one really fucking stupid film that makes me want to punch myself in the head over and over and over and over... Sorry.

Zombieland is fun – just plain fun – I won’t tell you to turn off your mind and enjoy it because life doesn’t work that way – but if you want to watch it I won’t tell you not to – if you are on the fence I would give you a nudge toward the ‘watch it’ side – if you have no interest I won’t tell you you’re missing a lot. In my book - Woody and the cameo make it worth it - I’m giving it a solid 4 out of 5.

Zombie Strippers [2008]

Well, what can one say about the film Zombie Strippers? By the title – you expect two things – and the question you should ask yourself – does this movie deliver on its promises? Well, you can rest assured – there are both zombies and strippers in this film (I know! I was worried too). The question then becomes how did they do at delivering on their promises?

In the not too distant future – George W. Bush is on his 4th term as President of the United States – having created new wars all over the planet from France to Canada to declaring war on Alaska. The government is running out of soldiers to send into battle – so they decide to start using the dead – who are less likely to retreat and question authority. Well, wouldn’t you know it the lab that creates the undead soldiers – is overrun! (I know! I didn’t see that coming either!)

A troop of ‘super’ soldiers are brought in to stop the “zombies”… I know they are trying to have some fun with this film – and it’s not meant to be a serious flick – but spitting in the face of the zombie movie code and calling them zombies over and over is actually kind of gut wrenching. They could’ve scored a free point with me (and the nerds who’d rent this film) – by just calling them undead or creatures – or something silly.

Anyway, the super soldiers – who have the guy who loves knives – the girl with the big knockers – and the new guy – as well as several other super soldier types. They take care of the problem – with little help from the scientists provided weapon (ooh plot twist!). The new guy soldier is bitten and runs away into a secret underground strip club (which was outlawed by W.) – and attacks the main attraction dancer – played by Jenna Jameson.

When she’s reanimated – Jenna has super stripper powers! (I know! It’s freakin’ amazing!) The men go crazy for her (like they weren’t already) – and all the girls become jealous of her super stripper powers – and decide becoming zombies isn’t such a bad gig. The only problem becomes – the girls have to feed – and they decide to feed on a “lucky” guy from the audience after each dance – creating more zombies that the club owner has to hide.

So, the movie then becomes about conformity – and since pretty much all the girls are porn-star types the film also goofs on trends in the porn industry. The club owner refuses to use the girls who decided to remain alive – because they aren’t pulling in the same money - but in the long run the ultimate winners are the ones who didn’t go for the trend.

The acting is soft-core porn quality – not that you should be surprised by that. They try to use the acting as an advantage – kind of like an inside joke – but it doesn’t work too well as a joke. How porn stars can act like they love sex all the time – but not act like a normal person is beyond me. Plus, porn acting only really works in porn because you’re not there for the acting – you are watching it for what comes after the “acting”. So I felt if a little more effort would’ve added to my enjoyment. The effects were amateurish – obvious D-grade computer effects (or should I say Z-grade? Ha!) – which I also feel like they tried to use as a bit of an inside joke – to mixed success.

My beef with this film is that it’s about 2 things – zombies and strippers – and I can find zombie films anywhere – so I want more strippers! Correction – I want more stripping by the strippers! Sure there are some routines – but not every stripper gets her time on stage – and that’s kind of the point of the film isn’t it? To boil it down – the film just isn’t sleazy enough! It’d be far better if they pushed that boundary – and left out a few of the sub-plots. (I know! I was surprised there were sub-plots too!)

The way I see a film like this – is you’re going to rent it because you want to see both zombies and strippers – so you might as well do both to the extreme. You line up your porn stars – so the stripping part should be easy to do – and zombies should be pretty easy to pull off as well – so why not do both to the extreme? And they do the zombie part some justice – so if they just worked on the sleaze part it’d be a camp classic in my book.

As it is I give it 2 out of 5 stars.