The Ides of March [2011]

In a tight race for the Democratic nomination for President of the United States – a young political consultant learns what politics are all about.

This is an actor’s piece – filled with lots of talking and facial expressions for all the wonderful actors to display how well they can flex. Ryan Gosling, Marisa Tomei, Paul Giamatti, Phillip Seymor Hoffman all jump in with George Clooney (who acts & directs) and make faces at each other and say stuff that makes you think they are saying important stuff – so you better pay attention.

Sorry.

I liked the movie – but you know when you want to see a movie – and you go to the theater and your phone told you the wrong time? So, you pick something else that you kind of want to see – when you have yourself hyped up for something else? Well, I went to see Moneyball and get lunch at the local brew & view – my phone said it started at 1PM – but it really started at 2PM – and I had already killed time waiting until 1PM – and I was really hungry for a burger and some waffle fries. So, I watched The Ides of March – and I could tell you everything you want to know about it – but I just can’t review it.

It’s about loyalty – and dirty politics – and how shitty life is. It’s good – really good – compelling – it felt like a 2 hour movie but it wasn’t – usually a mark that lots is happening and you are engrossed – and I was certainly grossed in. Great pacing. Good directing. Great performances. You should watch it if you like political thrillers and/or the actors involved.

It made me feel icky. It made me feel like I needed a shower. It did its job. Really good – seriously I’m not making fun of it – I’m just having a rough go of it lately – so let me have this one.

Thanks, I'll try better tomorrow - I promise... But since it's the weekend - I might not try at all... I am sorry to all you readers...

Insidious 2: Never Say Never [2011]

Now, my completely FAKE review of INSIDIOUS – based on what the poster looks like.

A family tries to buy a home from Justin Beiber – but he doesn’t want to sell it at all! When the courts award the house to the family because even the courts think Justin Beiber is a spoiled little shit – he gets really mad.

So mad he TURNS RED!!!

Beiber shows a much darker side than what I ever expected of him – but that’s what puberty will do to you!

His first strategy for getting the family to give back his house was obviously to sing and dance out in front of the house on the sidewalk – you’ve got to have the kiddie music tie in if you’re gonna have a horror movie based around Beiber. I understand that but to the length that they went and how well the family acted impartially-terrified was horrific all in itself. I actually went into the kitchen and started looking for my Rachel Ray knife set ready to slit my own wrists and sign over my apartment to Beiber in my own blood.

When that didn’t work – and Beiber got even more enraged he started standing in front of the house just staring into it with his face unchanged – just like in the poster – for what appeared to be days. When the dog came up and piddled on his leg for the 4th time – is when I think Beibs went from a human to a demon – the 5th time was just too much if you ask me. I get the 6th time was to drive in the emphasis of his mission – but the 7th time kind of made me sick to my stomach.

Beiber then decides to pull out the ACME catalog and orders a doggie door – installs it on their back door when they are at work – and then later that night sneaks in and rearranges their potted plants – caught by the wife character – she calls the police – Beiber is arrested and spends the night in jail – only released out on bail when he seduces a local gang member by doing more singing (the head resting on the bars of the cell – and the other inmates rhythmically banging their metal cups against the bars – made for a sweet scene) – once out of jail Beibs heads right back over to the house hides in a pile of dead leaves and waits for them to leave for work the next morning – then he goes through the doggie door once again – only to discover they boobie trapped the house to explode if he enters the house – melting his face but leaving his hair intact – we see Beibs apparently dead body and we zoom in on his eyes that pop open and scare the bejesus out of everyone... Thus setting the scene for the sequel; INSIDIOUS 3: BABY BABY BABY

The Last DJ

If there should be a day where I am not posting anymore – and you hear the dreadful news of famed blogger cblaze has been brutally murdered – I just want to let everyone know; the Terminator did it.

You know when you realize that you are destined for great things? Of course you don’t. Well, let me tell you it’s a great feeling! Not only was I destined to write the most popular movie blog on the planet – but I’m also going to be the leader of the resistance against the robot army of Apple in the future. I know you’re used to the story about it being Skynet – and it’s cute that you all believe that – but are you not paying attention to Apple?

Anyway – much like the Terminator did in the first movie – it’s going through the phone book searching me out and trying to terminate me – but in these modern times he’s Googling me. What I’ve got going for me though – is my DJ decoy out in South Carolina (yes, someone stole my handle and is DJ’ing under it – but unfortunately for the DJ – it’s my birthright – not just something that I came up with that sounds cool).

Sometimes, I wonder if my blog traffic is coming mostly from fans of this DJ? I also wonder if this DJ is getting questions regarding what I post on my blog? Since the hits on Ewan McGregor are out of control on my movie blog – I wonder if he has a connection to Ewan that’s crossing lines with my existence.

I wish this DJ all the luck in the world – I hope he can live up to the fame that I have already established for my name – but he’ll also sadly be bait for the Terminator.

Thor

I'm thinking of going to see THOR - but there's something about the film that's got me a little concerned. Check out this trailer I saw featured on the Conan show.

Go-Go Dance Friday!!!

Ewan McGregor's Penis

I love looking at my stats on Blogger and seeing that I've got nearly 6,000 hits on my blog - but if you take a look at the most frequently looked at entry is - it cracks me up. After I put up that Ewan McGregor entry - I thought - what a waste of a posting but at least I got something up on my blog - so isn't it most likely that low-and-behold it's somehow my most popular entry... Everyday people are accessing that entry from all over the world - seriously every continent is checking out that entry. If one of you people who is checking out that Ewan McGregor entry is reading this - could you please tell me why?

Then my little stupid Devil entry - where I felt the need to mock the amount of commercials that were being played - is the #4 most viewed entry? I'm glad people found it humorous - but what?

None of the entries that have been linked to from The Mad Hatter's blog are in the top 5 - which is pretty funny too. So, linkage don't beat people's love of the weird ass shit that I've already posted.

I'm happy that my Worst Movie Roommate entry is in the top 5 - that was one that I had on the side for a long time - and wanted to try and get back into my blogging groove with it. Though that didn't happen - I was happy that I finally got it up.

Sam Worthington needs your help? Why do you refuse his plea?

Sam Worthington is trying to tell us something – haven’t you noticed? It’s somewhat subtle – but it’s right there for everyone to see. He’s practically begging us to notice – almost pleading with us the movie going audience. He’s trying to say “hey, guys and girls, I don’t belong here – can someone get me back home?”

He’s a lost little lamb – trying to get his way back home. He’s putting on a tough front for all of us to see – but his heart isn’t into making movies – he’s really trying to get back to where he belongs.

Where is home for Sam Worthington? No, it’s not Australia – like people try to convince you. When will you stop being ignorant and stop believing every new actor is from the land down under. So, where is he from? I don’t know – but he’s not from here.

And when I say here – I mean Earth.

Yes, I’m saying it – Sam’s either a time traveler from a distant Earth – or he’s from an entirely different planet all together. I’m 100% confident in this – and if you think I’m joking – you certainly don’t know me very well... I never joke about Sam Worthington. Ever.

How am I sure of this? It’s all over his movies! Or have you not been paying attention to the projects he takes on? Oh, you have been too busy to notice, have you? Well, I have! I’m not sure why YOU wouldn’t. Maybe you’ve got a busy life of doing stuff - and don't have hours and hours to sit and think about these things carefully. I don't know! All I know is I know actors choose their parts very carefully...

Adam Sandler chooses movies so he can get attention because no one would notice him if he wasn’t screaming on a big movie screen. Angelina Jolie chooses her movies so that she can remind everyone how unlucky they are not to be Brad Pitt. Tom Cruise picks movie roles in order to demonstrate how not gay he can play on the big screen. George Clooney chooses his movie roles in order to put his eyebrows to work.

So, in the case of Sam Worthington – he’s making movies to get someone to notice him and realize he needs some help. Well, in case you haven’t noticed – let’s review...

Terminator: Salvation – he plays a convict sent into the future as a part Terminator part human to infiltrate and take down John Connor’s resistance force. He’s lost far away from his familiar home and ends up coming to peace with his new existence and making the best of it – and helps when he has every reason not to help.

Avatar – he plays a marine who is sent in place of his dead twin brother to a planet in order to infiltrate and take down the society of the giant blue people – but ends up finding home and love and makes the best of his new existence – and helps when he has every reason not to help.

Clash of the Titans – he plays a demagogue – part human part god – who is on Earth when he should be living on the top of Olympus with his daddy – but ends up finding home, family and love and makes the best of his new existence – and helps when he has every reason not to help.

Boom! Steak dinner!

He’s trapped here on Earth – please save Sam Worthington! It’s time to do your part in this quest to get Sam home...

Wait... You are asking yourself “why should I help?” – it’s because Sam has brought you BILLIONS OF DOLLARS IN ENTERTAINMENT!!!! BILLIONS! That’s far more than your Steve Zahn’s and Ellen Paige’s of the world. MOTHER FUCKING BILLIONS! You profited off his talents for long enough! Time that we help him get back home you greedy fucks!

I have contacted the scientists at the Fermilab and explained that they need to figure out a way to use their giant particle accelerator to crack the time/space plane and get Sam home. They said they will get right on realigning their own “giant project that could help bring answers as to how our universe has come into existence in order to bring some actor (with questionable skill) back home.”

I am thankful for Fermilab's help and hopeful that they will be able to do this quickly and bring Sam back home... Wait... What the fuck? Sam was also the name of the character on Quantum Leap! How could we be so blind? He needs to help us – so we can help him! Quick let him help you do stuff - you never know when his mission will be completed and he'll leap back home!

Here are the ratings for the movies in this entry – Terminator: Salvation (4/5) – Avatar (5/5) – Clash of the Titans (1/5)

Devil [2010]

Can I please be the first to say it?

Not only is it a 90 minute movie about being trapped in an elevator... It made me feel like I was trapped in an elevator... For about 6 hours... (wish they would stop with the big advertising push - it's the same fucking clips of people looking worried in an elevator)

Devil comes out September 17th - please enjoy!

The Great Panda Movie Conspiracy

I believe there’s a conspiracy out there for every year to have a film that somehow involves Pandas.

A couple years ago there was Kung-Fu Panda – just last year there was Pandorum – which is almost spelled like “panda” - and what was the name of the planet in Avatar? Pandora? Lest we forget, in 1995 there was the The Amazing Panda Adventure – and though this conspiracy is being hidden from the likes of us from the IMDB - I’m confident I remember some kind of panda based films every year - big name ones too... Didn't Keanu Reeves star in one? Yeah, I'm sure he did!

Keep an eye out for more panda films coming out in 2010 - and I'll keep an eye on 2011.

We're watching you Dennis Quaid!!!!